Valerie Damron of North Dakota still fights off tears when recounting her fear that she would lose custody of her two young daughters solely because she is a lesbian involved in a long-term relationship with another woman.

Her ex-husband Shawn didn’t question that Valerie is a terrific mom, but rather argued to a family court judge that her relationship “sets the wrong moral character for my children.”

Although agreeing Valerie is a good mom, the judge last January ordered that custody be switched to Shawn. Holding it against Valerie that state law keeps her from marrying her partner, the judge went on to cite a two-decade-old ruling by the North Dakota Supreme Court that “the slings and arrows of a disapproving society” mean that kids living with gay parents inherently suffer harm.

“There were lots of tears, lots and lots of sleepless nights, lots of anger and resentment,” recalls Valerie.

Not anymore.

The North Dakota Supreme Court wisely reversed itself recently, saying the two girls — who had never gone to live with their dad — should continue living with Valerie and her partner Ann. The high court said custody decisions should be based only on the best interests of children, not on the possible bigotry of others.

“I let out this big war whoop — I was overwhelmed with joy,” Valerie recalls, describing how she felt when she learned she wouldn’t lose her girls. “And then it hit me that other (gay-headed) families in North Dakota aren’t going to have to go through what my kids and Ann and I went through.”

North Dakota’s wonderful advance leaves four states — Alabama, Mississippi, North Carolina and Virginia — where gay parents are denied rights solely based on their sexual orientation.

The heart-warming change in the legal arena reflects the overwhelming consensus of mental health experts that children do well in gay-headed homes. The Neanderthal treatment of gay parents by those four backward states — as well as by any renegade rulings elsewhere — ultimately will be stopped. The U.S. Supreme Court, in its blockbuster 2003 Lawrence v. Texas and 1996 Romer v. Evans rulings, has sent a clear message that gay Americans have constitutional rights to equal treatment and sexual intimacy.

Unfortunately though, the legal rights of gay parents have advanced much faster than awareness of them: Many divorcing straight-gay couples assume the gay spouse has no rights. Even lawyers are frequently ill-informed. As a result, parenting agreements — that later are very difficult to revise — often unreasonably restrict the gay parent’s role in the children’s lives. For example, a gay parent might automatically give up primary custody or agree not to have an unmarried partner in the house when the children spend the night.

Sometimes these concessions are demanded simply out of ignorance. Other times, an angry and hurt straight ex-spouse simply wants to wound the gay ex by taking unfair advantage during custody battles.

“Straight spouses need to be in touch with other straight spouses who’ve been in the same boat so their feelings don’t gobble them up.... Unresolved anger and hurt can turn into bitterness, acts of revenge or despair, all of which don’t do anyone good, especially the child,” says Amity Pierce Buxton, author of “The Other Side of the Closet” and head of the Straight Spouse Network, which helps people make the painful journey toward accepting that a spouse or ex-spouse is gay — as Buxton once did after her husband of 25 years came out.

To help divorcing straight-gay parents, Buxton and Lambda Legal have teamed up to create “What’s Best for Your Kids,” offering advice to straight ex-spouses (http://www.ssnetwk.org)/ and “You Don’t Need to Choose,” which informs gay parents about their rights and how to get a skilled lawyer (lambdalegal.org).

Divorce will always be difficult. But when the break comes, the children are better off if the adults play fair.

You can reach Deb Price at (202) 906-8205 or mailto:dprice@detnews.com